Scene: A podium, with the Presidential Seal and a few
microphones on it. BARBARA BUSH is standing
at the podium as lights come up.
BARB: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen of the press. As you know,
I have recently replaced Nancy Reagan as First Lady
and role model for the youth of today. Because of this,
many people have been asking me, "Barbara, what do
you have to say to contemperary teenagers? Nancy
had `Just Say No,' what message do you have?" Well,
"No" is such a. . .negative word. I'd rather give kids
"dos" than "dont's". Do recognize your right to pleasure,
but do protect yourselves from all the horrible things that
can happen to you. In short, DO whack off.
I think that it's high time the people of America
realized what a boon jerking off can be! And not just
children, either. Why, when George wants some nookie,
and I don't, he just turns over and slips himself the
four-fingered practice tunnel, and our problem is solved.
It's so easy, and people should realize that solo sex
is the safest sex. Next time you feel like consorting with
someone of questionable sexual background, just pop
into the nearest bathroom, pull down your pants or
pull up your skirt, and do some exploring, and in no time
you'll be satisfied!
I just want to say: boys, choke that chicken! Girls,
shake hands with that pink satin ski slope! In short,
Masturbators of America, Give Yourselves a Hand!
(A banner unfolds behind her, reading "Masturbators
of America, Give Yourselves a Hand!" A ROCKER jumps
on from offstage, dressed like a conservative middle-aged
woman might imagine the average rock star to look like,
i.e. combining Heavy Metal, Punk, and Top Forty in a
thouroghly atrocious style. He sings the following song.)
ROCKER: You don't need to use a condom
You don't need a dental dam
You don't need to say "I Love You" or "Here's Fifty Dollars, Ma'am."
Don't need to spring for dinner,
Or wear all that sexy stuff
All you need's a set of fingers and a wanker or a muff
'Cause everybody's doin' it, all across the land
Masturbators Of America, Give Yourselves A Hand!
It's natural, and organic
It's easy and it's fun
If you don't know how to do it ask your parents how it's done
You don't need a special licence
You don't need a special skill
Just unzip and slip your grip between your hips and get a thrill
'Cause everybody's doin' it, and boy does it feel grand,
Masturbators of America, Give Yourselves a Hand!
(Musical bridge, with lots of suggestive dance moves on the
ROCKER'S part. For instance, he does that one bit where you jump
backwards on one leg while playing air guitar, except that
instead of playing air guitar he's stroking air wanker.)
You can do it in the bathroom
You can do it in your bed
You can do it at a concert while you watch the Grateful Dead
You can rub it with some lotion
You can stroke it with a cloth
Arnold Shwartzenegger pounds it, Michael Jackson jacks it off
Your attitude will soften, your horizons will expand.
Masturbators of America, Give Yourself a Hand
Lights go down as ROCKER bows to the audience.
Copyright 1989 Lore Shoberg (Used with permission)
(velcro@ucscb.ucscc.edu)
W H Y C O P S H A T E Y O U <<<<&l <
-if you have to ask get out of the way-
Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was
writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling that
he would just love to yank you out of the car, right through the
window, and smash your face into the front fender?...
