Two leprechauns went up to a convent and knocked on the door.
When the sister answered, one of the leprechauns said, "Sister, do
you have any leprechaun nuns here?" The sister replied that they
did not. So he asked, "Well are there any leprechaun nuns in the
area?" She replied that she did not know of any. He persisted,
" Well are there any leprechaun nuns in the whole world?" She
said she did not know but didn't think so.
Whereupon his companion turned to him and said, "Sure and I told you
you were screwin' a penguin!"
A man went to confession and confessed that he had made love twelve
times in one night. Father asked him if he had been with someone
else's wife. The man said, "No, it was my own wife". Father said,
"Well, you don't have to confess that". The man replied, " I know,
but I had to tell somebody!".
A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had
the volley of the Dills.
A banker fell over board. His friends couldn't find a life preserver.
One asked, "Can you float alone?"
The women at one college called a would be romeo a great natural athlete.
He makes every broad jump.
A filibuster, throughing your wait around.
Molly invented a stainless-steel sink. It's called the Unbrownable Molly
Sink.
A reverend wanted to call another reverend. He told the operator, this
is a parson to parson call.
A farmer with lots of chickens posted the following sign. "Free Chickens.
Our Coop Runneth Over."
A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled
hearing.
Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. Mort is the expert. Bill
is not the rigger Mort is.
Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family
often doesn't have a legacy to stand on.
The judge fined the offender fifty dollars and told him if he was caught
again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow.
A rock store was closed by the police, they were taking too much for
granite.
A man who keep stealing mopids was an obvious cycle-path.
A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police
during a raid at the house of a mobster. His excuse, "I was making a bolt for
the door."
A farm in the country side had seven turkeys, it was known as the house
of seven gobbles.
A man was reading The Canterbury Tales at breakfast one saturday morning.
His wife asked "What have you got there?" "Just my cup and Chaucer."
A women was in love with fourteen soldiers, it platoonic.
Max told his friend he didn't want to go for a hike in the hills. "I'm
an anti-climb Max."
Known as a tough, nasty umpire, the man in a foul mood upon walking
into his home asked his son to come sit on his lap, "Not now dad, GI Joe
is still on." The son never sits on a Brutish Umpire.
A new wagon designed for LA rush hour traffic is called the Stationary
wagon.
An Uncle died, left several hundred clocks to a niece, she's busy winding
up the estate.
A Texan down on the range is suing for a divorce. He found his dear
and an interloper playing.
Two cheerleaders ended up married, they met by chants.
Two cans of paint got married, later the bride whispered, "Darling,
I think I'm pigment."
Two boy silkworms pursued a luscious girl silkworm. They ended up in a
tie.
A doctor told the boy, "This injection won't hurt a bit." That's an MD
promise.
Advice to ice skaters: You can't always tell a brook by its cover.
A guru hops around often, he's known as the Kan Guru.
A hermit was arrested after driving a hundred miles an hour, the charge
was recluse driving.
What do they call a man who builds twenty boats a month? Sir Launchalot.
The clerks of a store went on strike. Things were fine until the owner
found out one of the picketers had had smallpox. The owner called the union,
"This time you've gone to far. My picket has been pocked."
A swami stopped in at the butcher shop and asked for butcher for a pound
of liver, but the dishonest butcher weighed down upon the swami's liver.
A prospector marched into an assayer's office and planted two huge
nuggests
on the counter. "Well, don't just stand there, assay something!"
Indian Chief Shortcake died, so Squaw bury Shortcake.
An Indian family with sixteen kids was just one big Hopi family.
A fortune-teller started laughing seconds after looking into his crystal
ball. The client hit him. "Why did you do that" "My mother always told
me to strike a happy medium."
An American family sent some poor cousins in East Germany a package
of food. Weeks later when they heard it still had not arrived, cabled the
cousins with "Cheer up, the wurst is yet to come."
A man walks into Red Square on day screaming "Gorbachov's an idiot!
Gorbachov's an idiot." Well, the KGB chased him around for awhile until
they finally caught him. They immediately took him to court where the
judge decided on his sentence. The poor fellow was given exactly 10 years
and seven days in jail. Two days for disturbing the peace, five days for
insulting the leader, and ten years for revealing a state secret!!!
An inspector was making the rounds of the communal farms in his district,
and he approached a potato farmer. "How was the potato harvest this season,
comrade?" he demanded. "Excellent, excellent," exclaimed the farmer, "our
potatoes could be piled high enough to reach the toe of God!" A bit taken
aback, the inspector said, "But comrade, this is the Soviet Union; there
is no God." Replied the farmer, "That's no problem, because there aren't
any potatoes, either."
"In News, there is no truth; and in Truth there is no news."
I guess it makes more sense in russian.. Pravda is truth, and Isvestia is
news. The two big Soviet papers: Pravda and Isvestia.
Seems the Department of Information Services (Ministry of Propaganda) was
out
in the field, taking 'the Rewolution" to the people: explaining the
fundamentals
of Socialism to the populace to bolster popularity. A member of the Department
was out talking to a farmer in Siberia...
Official: So you see, comrade, dat it iz de way Marx explained: "From each
according to his abilities, to each according to his needs." You understand?
Farmer: (confused) Nyet...
O: OK. Iz like dis: Say a comrade has two cows. Ve take one cow from him and
give it to comrade that has no cow. Dat is de Rewolution. You see?
F: (Happily) Da, Da! Iz good!
O: And if a comrade has two tractors, ve take one of his tractors and give to
man who has no tractors. Da?
F: (Very excited) Da! Da! Is WERY good!
O: And if a comrade has two cheekens, ve give one cheeken to man who has no
cheekens. Da?
F: Nyet! Iz not good!
O: Vy iz not good?
F: (Despondently) I have two cheekens...
Related:
W H Y C O P S H A T E Y O U <<<<&l <
-if you have to ask get out of the way-
Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was
writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling that
he would just love to yank you out of the car, right through the
window, and smash your face into the front fender?...
