I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first
name was "Always".
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't
like to interrupt her.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring,
wedding ring and suffeRING.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's
on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then
God created man and rested. Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping
on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in
four days. "She looked at him and said, "God, I wish
I had your will power."

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two
mothers-in-laws.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some
parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he
marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife
Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still
alive."

How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to
get laundry done for free.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go
through life thinking they had no faults at all!

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real
happiness was until I got married; and then it was too
late."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much
does it cost to get married?" And the father replied,
"I don't know son, I'm still paying."


------

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING
MARRIED:

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking
me in the ribs and cacklin', telling me, "You're next." They stopped
after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

LIFE'S EQUATIONS
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't
need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a
husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a
wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than
his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a
lot and love him a little.
To be happy! with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men, but married
men are a lot more willing to die.

MEMORY

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's
no use in two people remembering the same thing.

APPEARANCE

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but
he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't
change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a
new argument.

COMPREHENSION

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a
woman
- before marriage and after marriage.