Related:

• I went into the grocery store today. I said, "Give me a dollar's worth of potatoes.
  He said, "We don't slice 'em." I said, "Give me fifty cents' worth of Swiss cheese....
• I came down from Jacksonville on a train that was the slowest train I'd ever been on.
  I said to the conductor, "Can't you run any faster?...
• I had a brand-new Mercury. I loaned it to my brother last week.
  I said, "Treat it as if it was your own." He sold it. -- Jimmy Edmondson (Professor Backwards)...
• What gets me is that estimated tax return. You have to guess how much you're gonna make.
  You have to fill it out, fix it up, sign it, send it in....
• When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise.
  She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder....
• Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
  ~~ Pancho Villa, Mexican revolutionary, d. 1923...
• Buying cigarettes becomes an interview now. I said to the salesgirl in back of the counter, "I'd like a carton of cigarettes.
  She said, "There are so many brands, what would you like?...
• My uncle staggered in the other night, loaded. His wife said, "Where have you been?
  He said, "I bought something for the house." She said, "What did you buy for the house?...
• I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep.
  Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how....