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• When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka English.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half?
  Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Duncan [Phoebe's Husband]: Oh God, I don't know how to tell you this.
  I'm straight. Phoebe: Huuh. Duncan: Yeah, I know, I....
• I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free.
  To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality....
• The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat.
  And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?...
• Something better... 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?
  2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow....
• I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect.
  I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect....
• Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger.
  He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure....
• Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy
  because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else....