Related:

• You know something that would really make me applaud?
  A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis!...
• If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad?
  Treasure chests with no handles. How the hell are you supposed to carry it?...
• If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's really embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka English.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down.
  I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell....
• I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to.
  Then, on the way out, slam the door. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...