Related:

• If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea?
  Getting caught inside a watch somehow. You don't even care, do you....
• When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside.
  I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said....
• I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why?
  It would take about a billion ants just to AIM a gun at me, let alone fire it....
• You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad.
  Also, he has severe diarrhea. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by
  and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't quite kill him, just tell the people he's your pet and that's a trick you taught him....
• If doctors ever tell you that you've "flipped out," don't believe them, and just keep on doing what you were doing, because something tells me "the Man" is behind this.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...