Related:

• If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad?
  Treasure chests with no handles. How the hell are you supposed to carry it?...
• You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad.
  Also, he has severe diarrhea. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey
  because every week you could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get caught by no MONKEY," but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that....
• If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep
  and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you....
• If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone's lip.
  Even if they smash you, ick!, you're all over their lip! -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests?
  Just a big bag of blood. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half?
  Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly.
  But they forget the negative side, which is the preening. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...