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If You Ever Go Temporarily Insane, Don't Shoot Somebody, Like A Lot Of People Do.
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If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people
do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.
-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Related:
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.
-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?
-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down.
I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell....
Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time people are going to get out of the way.
Cars, too! -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by
and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't quite kill him, just tell the people he's your pet and that's a trick you taught him....
When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free.
Ask, and ask often. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
If I ever get real rich, I hoe I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
-- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...