Related:

• If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do.
  Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised....
• If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your ac
  I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much....
• Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help," she could do it.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach: A sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone left, but trust me, they don't taste like it.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while?
  Come on, we're not going to hurt it. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...