Related:

• I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
  -- Groucho Marx (in Duck Soup)...
• Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription counter and rings the bell.
  The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help you?...
• If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Would you like some duck for lunch, eh misster, would you?
• A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite.
  Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone....
• With a name like Mangled Baby Ducks, you know it's gotta be good!
• When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka English.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your ac
  I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much....
• Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you com out you're all covered with leeches.
  Just say, "Hey, has anybody seen my raisins?" (Because leeches kind of look like big raisins....