Related:

• Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
• Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription counter and rings the bell.
  The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help you?...
• Deteriorata: Go placidly amid the noise and waste and remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
  Avoid quiet and passive persons unless you are in need of sleep....
• Anonymous Noncoward writes, "For my Economics 101 class, I have to pretend to be Bill Gates and write an editorial defending Microsoft against anti-trust charges, citing economic principles.
  To complete such an assignment violates every moral fiber of my body....
• Homer: Dad, how come you never gave me any encouragement?
  Maybe I could have been something more than I am....
• Burns: [looking up from his magazine] Smithers, what's the meaning of this slacking off?
  Smithers: Uh, there's a bee in my eye, sir. Bu...
• There's always one guy who tries to impress you with how big a joint he can roll.
  The guy takes the Sunday Times, drops a kilo brick in with the strings on it ....
• Jacques: First, you must get to know your lane. Feel the slickness, feel the slippery finish.
  Caresses it, experience it. Quite smooth, isn't it?...
• A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the longest procession he's ever seen.
  It seems to consist of the hearse, followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred other men....