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• I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick.
  Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold....
• Whenever anybody says he's struggling to become a human being I have to laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years.
  Struggle to become a parrot or something. -- Jack Handey, "Deep Though...
• I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little basket-beds with my name on it.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a boxing glove on a spring shoots out.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will I "swarm about" to protect my nest of chocolate eggs.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, "Yes, my name's Todd.
  Todd Blankenship." Oh, also I wish my last name was Blankenship....
• Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy
  because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else....
• I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey