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• I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live around here often?
  She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks....
• Gerry: Hello. I'm retired heavyweight boxer Gerry Cooney.
  Welcome to Mr. Burns' Casino! If there's anything I can do to make your visit more enjoyable, please...
• I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me.
  .. I pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?...
• I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
  Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table....
• There's a comedian over here in Britain called Jack Dee who came out with a great string of Famous Last Words.
  He came up with the idea of a Black Box Recorder for cars, so that you could find out the last thing that was said in the car before crashing!...
• It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country road.
  Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse and knocked on the front door....
• How was the Disaster Area concert last night? I said, HOW WAS THE...
• Three fellas up in heaven. St. Peter's interviewing them.
  He says to the first guy, "How did you get up here in heaven?...
• I feel lucky. Let me roll for initiative! -- Famous Last Word