Related:

• I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little basket-beds with my name on it.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• When you first start wearing a turban, probably the most common mistake is wrapping it too tight.
  You have to allow the head to breathe. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you're an archeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a skull but just an old dried-out potato.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly.
  But they forget the negative side, which is the preening. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If I ever get real rich, I hoe I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...