Related:

• My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers.
  He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was....
• They're official Krusty the Clown walkie-talkies! I'll keep one and you keep one.
  Now, whenever you want to talk to me, just call me on the phone and tell me to turn on my walkie-talkie....
• My aunt's lost it. Says she has what's-his-name's disease
• All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
  The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store....
• The other day, I was walking my dog around my building.
  ..on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights....
• One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl.
  ..I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?...
• Three fellas up in heaven. St. Peter's interviewing them.
  He says to the first guy, "How did you get up here in heaven?...
• My Aunt Ida at age eighty-three: "Yeah," she said, "I'll be dead pretty soon.
  And frankly, I don't give a damn." -- Edward Abbey...
• In bed the other night my girlfriend asked "if you could know exactly when and where you would die, would you want to?
  I said "no". She said, "ok, then forget it". -- Steven Wrigh...