Related:

• Ooh I was ugly, so ugly that when I was born the Doctor told my mother "I did all I could but he pulled through anyway".
• Yo momma so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
• My friend Sappo was real depressed. He said, "I can't get any girls.
  I said, "Don't worry, listen, tomorrow we're going swimming....
• A fella's talking to his priest. He said, "I gave up sex for Lent .
  .. Well, I tried to, but the last day of Lent my wife dropped a can of peaches and when she bent over to pick 'em up, I couldn't help it....
• Lysander, when Dionysius sent him two gowns, and bade him choose which he would carry to his daughter, said, "She can choose best," and so took both away with him.
  -- Plutarch (46-120 AD) -- Of Lysande...
• When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
  -- Stephen Wrigh...
• For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme.
  ___. When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged him to do so....
• I was a tiny baby when I was born. Really tiny. I was breast-fed intravenously.
  I had to have a special nurse 'cause I was so little....
• Dan Quayle may not have been wanted by his parents, who kept asking him, after he was born, why he was not more like Gertrude.
  Gertrude died at birth....