Related:

• When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free.
  Ask, and ask often. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money.
  And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy....
• If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do.
  Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised....
• I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egyp
  on thing you would constantly find yourself telling people would be, "Be sure, before I start, you have all the jewelry and so forth on the body, because I am NOT unwrapping him later....
• When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka English.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?
  And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lie down and go to sleep....
• If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...