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• I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.
  -- Rodney Dangerfield...
• She was ugly! She was known as a two-bagger. That's a girl who's so ugly, when you go out with her you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
  She was so ugly, you look in the dictionary under "ugly" and you see her picture....
• I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me. The first time I tried smoking pot I didn't know what I was doing.
  I smoked half the joint, got the munchies, and ate the other half....
• I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library.
  When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. -- Rodney Dangerfield...
• I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
  -- Rodney Dangerfield...
• I don't get no respect. No respect at all. Every time I get into an elevator the operator says the same thing
  Basement?" No respect. When I was a kid we played hide-and-seek....
• My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias.
  Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back....
• I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
  Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table....
• Ooh I was ugly, so ugly that when I was born the Doctor told my mother "I did all I could but he pulled through anyway".