Related:

• Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
  -- Jack Handey...
• I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best.
  We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us....
• I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our "friend.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection.
  I guess that's what I hated about him. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves.
  And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies?
  One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars....