Related:

• I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free.
  To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality....
• I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long.
  Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had....
• One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one.
  I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me....
• Mine enemy's dog, Though he had bit me, should have stood that night Against my fire.
  -- William Shakespeare (1564-1616), King Lear -- Act iv, Sc. 7...
• The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys.
  But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it....
• He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection.
  I guess that's what I hated about him. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• Whenever anyone says "I can't," it makes me wish he'd get stung to death by about ten thousand bees.
  When he says "I'll try," five thousand bees. ("I can," one bee....
• If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out.
  Wait. I guess that's like a regular window. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...