Related:

• He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection.
  I guess that's what I hated about him. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time people are going to get out of the way.
  Cars, too! -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pinecone?
  That way, he learns that "wishing" isn't going to save out national forests....
• Isn't it funny how we'll look out the window at the moon, and then we notice it's not the moon but a streetlight?
  Also what's funny is how we do this every night. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy
  because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else....
• Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS?
  It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.
  No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out....
• I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex.
  He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you....