Related:

• I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays.
  But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?...
• To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary.
  I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad....
• If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it EASY!
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a boxing glove on a spring shoots out.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
• I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, "Yes, my name's Todd.
  Todd Blankenship." Oh, also I wish my last name was Blankenship....
• One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse.
  Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke....
• I hope that after I die, people will say of me: ``That guy sure owed me a lot of money.
  '' -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...