Related:

• I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky.
  Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh....
• Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics.
  Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody ready to start now?...
• When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka English.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Jacques: First, you must get to know your lane. Feel the slickness, feel the slippery finish.
  Caresses it, experience it. Quite smooth, isn't it?...
• If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying.
  And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did....
• If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground.
  You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground....
• Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground.
  You pull it up and pull it up, but that cable just keeps right on going, clear across a field, until you come to a bunch of guys who are burying the cable....
• One pill makes you larger And if you go chasing rabbits And, one pill makes you small.
  And you know you're going to fall. And the ones that mother gives you, Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar Don't do anything at all....