Related:

• A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake.
  Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help....
• When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you see an animal and you can't tell if it's a skunk or a cat, here's a good saying to help
  Black-and-white, stinks all right. Tabby-colored, likes a fella....
• Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach: A sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone left, but trust me, they don't taste like it.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist.
  When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody....
• If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do.
  Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised....
• I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto you buttocks and start yowling and running around.
  Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy would say, "Hey, let's put him in the movie....