Related:

• Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you com out you're all covered with leeches.
  Just say, "Hey, has anybody seen my raisins?" (Because leeches kind of look like big raisins....
• Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down.
  I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell....
• Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa!
  Whoa!" and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise.
  She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder....
• If someone told me it wasn't "fashionable" to talk about freedom, I think I'd just have to look him square in the eye and say, "Okay, YOU TELL ME what's `fashionable'.
  But he won't. And you know why? Because you can't ask someone what's fashionable in a smart-alecky way like that....