Related:

• INCONTINENCE Now let's make it clear. Incontinence is not something to be laughed at.
  It is a very serious and discomforting condition. It can't be easy walking around with large amounts of urine wanting to leap into the outside world at every step....
• CELSIUS, ANDERS (1701-44) Swedish astronomer. At the age of 25
  he had a raging argument with best friend Gabriel Daniel Fahrenheit (1686-1736) when he claimed that Fahrenheit's system of measuring temperature was completely fucked, and that he could design a better system whilst standing on his head blindfolded in a bucket of lard....
• SCHEMA What you call a diagram when it gets too complicated and impressive to be called a diagram.
  -- Daniel Bowen's TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA...
• FINE Term used by weathermen when they don't really know what it's going to be like.
  Of course, if the rest of us made as many mistakes in our jobs as weathermen do in theirs, the entire world would be a disaster area....
• CHURCH A church is either (a) a big, generally impressive-looking building where people go to indulge in religious activities, or (b) a rash commonly found on the upper-thigh.
  I think it's (b). One well-known cure is to dab it with a cream mixed from worm manure, cow snot and crushed caterpillars....
• The man with the biggest feet in the world, Irish-bo
  Italian-raised Giovanni O'Shamus caused an upset at Wimbledon during the week, when h stepped on his opponent in the first round of the Men's Singles....
• Hibbert: There, there, Hugo. I understand. All those years caged up in here, why, you've probably never ever seen your own face in the mirror, have you?
  Here. [Hibbert hands up a frame between him and Hugo] Hugo...
• SPECIAL GUESTS What used to be known as a support act.
  When listening to support acts at concerts, look out for the drunken teenager nearby who has decided that he doesn't like them, and is demanding almost incomprehensibly that they "geeeeett offffff!...
• Hibbert: Congratulations, Mrs. Simpson: you're pregnant.
  Marge: Mmm... Hibbert: Am I to take it that this is [chuckles] an unwanted pregnancy?...