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• Lisa: And now it's time for the Innocence Report with Homer Simpson.
  [holds sign: "Innocence Report"] Homer: Hello....
• Ashley: You grabbed me in the car! Homer: Oh, that.
  No, I was just grabbing a gummi Venus de Milo that got stuck to your pants....
• Bart: Why would anybody want to touch a girl's butt?
  That's where cooties come from! Lisa: Dad, I don't understand....
• Bart: So...you're one of those "Don't call me a chick" chicks, huh?
  Lisa: Ehh, sorry about my unenlightened brother....
• Homer: Kids, I wanna give you some words to remember me by, if something happens.
  Let's see...er...Oh, I'm no good at this. Lisa: [whispers into Homer's ear] Home...
• Homer: Lisa, Lisa! Where were you? You missed the most incredible thing.
  Lisa: [grateful] Hi, Dad! [hugs him] Homer: I ate seven pounds of fudge!...
• Homer: Dad! Abe: Son! Homer: I'm a screw-up. I burned down our house.
  Abe: No, I'm a screw-up. _I_ burned down our house....
• Homer: So, a graduate student, huh? How come you guys can go to the moon but you can't make my shoes smell good?
  Ashley: I'm sorry? Homer: Aw, nobody's blaming you....
• Homer answers the door] Man: [on pennyfarthing bicycle] So, er, you don't like the old-time bikes, huh?
  [kicks Homer in the face, rides off] [doorbell rings agai...