Did you hear? Bill Clinton stopped playing the sexophone and now he
is playing the whoremonica.

Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game.
Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and
whispered in his ear.

Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the
field.

The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President
Sir, I think you misunderstood me; I said throw out the first pitch."

A reporter remarked to George W. Bush: "It must be something,
knowing that you put the Bush legacy back into the oval office."

"Thanks to Bill Clinton," replied George. "Bush never left the
office."

Why is Clinton having such a hard time deciding what to do with
Elian Gonzalez?

Because the last time he decided where to put a Cuban he was almost
impeached.

Women in Washington D.C. were asked if they would have sex with the
President. 86% of those responding said ''Not again.''

Q: What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver?
A: A screwdriver turns in screws, and Clinton screws interns!

Whitehouse aide to Clinton: "What are we gonna do about the new
abortion bill, Mr. President?"

Clinton's reply : "Shhhhh - just pay it."

Bill and Hillary are fast asleep in the First Bedroom, when Hillary
wakes and starts shaking Bill.

Bill groggily opens his eyes and says, "Honey, it's 3am. What do you
want?"

"I have to go use the bathroom," Hillary replies.

Bill blinks. "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me
you have to go to the bathroom."

"No," Hillary says, "I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."

Bill Clinton broke the 11th commandment. ''Thou shalt not use thy
rod on thy Staff''

Bill Clinton, George Bush and George Washington were on the Titanic.

As the boat was sinking, George Washington heroically shouts, ''Save
the women!''

George Bush hysterically screeches, ''Screw the women!''

And Bill Clinton's eyes light up and he says, ''Do we have time?''

I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar
I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park
I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate
I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants
I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face
I never did it in a bed
If you think that, you've been misled
I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone
I did not cause her dress to stain
I never boinked Saddam Hussein
I did not do it with a whip
I never fondled Linda Tripp
I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey
There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her 'round, but could not catch her
No kinky stuff, not on your life
I wouldn't, even with my wife
And Gennifer Flowers' tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes
And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers
I did not ask my friends to lie
I did not hang them out to dry
I did not do it last November
But if I did, I don't remember
I did not do it in the hall
I could have, but I don't recall
I never did it in my study
I never did it with my dog, Buddy
I never did it to Sox, the cat
I might have-once-with Arafat
I never did it in a hurry
I never groped Ms. Betty Currie
There was no sex at Arlington
There was no sex on Air Force One
I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal
But never did these things so lewd
At least, not ever in the nude
These things to which I have confessed
They do not count, if we stayed dressed
It never happened with a cigar
I never dated Mrs. Starr
I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN
I broke some rules my Mama taught me
I tried to hide, but now you've caught me
But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach
I might have got a little tail
But never, never did I inhale.

Bill Clinton walks out on to his front porch, and written in urine
was ''The president must go.'' Bill Clinton storms into his office and
demaned to know who did it. So his two body guards run out to find out
who it was.
Five hours later the two gaurds come back in, they told Bill, ''We
have some bad news, and we have worse news.''
''What is the bad news?'' asked Bill.
''Well, the bad news is, we took a urine test, and it was his
vice-president, Al Gore."
" Whats the worst news?" asked Bill.
The worst news is that it is Hillary's hand writing!"

Bill Clinton was arriving back to the White House from a trip to
Arkansas with a pig under each arm. A secret serviceman greeted him.
"Nice pigs, sir!"
"Thank you. Though these are no ordinary pigs -- they're Arkansas
Razorbacks! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea."
"Nice trade, sir!"

Q. Why can't Bill Clinton work at KFC?

A. He can't keep his hands off the breasts and thighs.

Dear U.S. Citizens,

I have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise five
million dollars for a monument of Bill Clinton. We originally wanted
to put him on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough
room for two more faces.

We then decided to erect a statue of Bill Clinton in the Washington,
DC Hall of Fame. However, we were in a quandary as to where the statue
should be placed. It did not seem proper to place it beside the statue
of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Jesse Jackson,
who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the
difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the
greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going,
did not know where he was, returned not knowing where he had been, and
did it all on someone else's money.

If you are one of the fortunate people who has anything left after
paying taxes, we will expect a generous contribution to this
worthwhile project.

Thank You
The Monument Committee

Did you hear that former President Clinton is buying a house in
North Carolina? He can't decide which city to live in, Blowing Rock or
Morehead City.

Time magazine sent a survey to women in Arkansas, asking for their
opinions on the Clinton Sex Scandal. One of the questions: Would you
ever have an affair with Bill Clinton? The results were staggering!
5% -- No
3% -- Yes
92% -- Never Again

One day Bill Clinton decides to go on a jog. While jogging he sees a
hooker on the street corner and she says "Five bucks for a blowjob."
Bill says, "I'll give you two dollars."The hooker says no and Bill
shrugs and continues jogging.

The next day he goes for another jog and sees the same hooker. Again
she says "Five bucks for a blowjob," but Bill says no -- $2. She says
no and Bill laughs and keeps jogging.

The next day, Hillary goes with Bill on his jog and he passes hooker
once again. The hooker looks over at Hillary and says, "You see what
you get for two bucks?"

Q: How do you keep Alec Baldwin from drowning?
A1: You take your foot off his head.
A2: Get the lead out of his ass.
A3: Chisel the concrete off his feet.

Q: What are the ingredients for the new, improved Clinton stew?
A: One wiener, one tongue, one cooked goose, lots of spilled beans and
hot water.

What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary Clinton after having sex?

"I will be home in 20 minutes, dear."

Most wives whose husbands fool around have to worry about their
husbands getting AIDS from sex.

Hillary just has to worry about her husband getting sex from aides.

Bill Clinton and Jesse Jackson are taking a post-workout shower.
Bill looks down and says, ''Jesse, how'd you get that huge pecker?!''
Jesse replies, ''All I do is whack it four times on the bedpost
everynight.'' So, Bill sneaks upstairs and whacks his four time in the
bedpost, whereupon Hillary wakes up and says, ''Is that you, Jesse?'''

Bill Clinton went to Africa and, when he got back, Janet Reno asked
him how Kenya was.
''I did not have sexual relations with that woman!''

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only about 2000 people went down on the Titanic.

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Zero. He only screws interns.

Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married Bill told her,
"There's one thing I want you to know. There's a box under my bed and
I don't want you to look in it until I die."
Hillary agreed to this but, over the years, the curiosity got the
better of her and she finally looked in it. She found three beer cans
and 1.5 million dollars in cash.
When she asked Bill what the beer cans were for, he replied, "Well,
those are for all the times I've cheated on you."
Hillary said, "Well, that's not bad after all these years and you
being a politician and traveling and all."
She was about to leave, but then she said, "Hey, Bill, what about the
1.5 million dollars?"
Bill replied, "That's for all the times the box got full and I had to
cash the cans in."

Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, but a mixup in the
afterlife paperwork sends them to the wrong places: the Pope goes to
hell and Bill goes to heaven. After a couple of days they fix this
problem and the Pope gets on the escalator to go to heaven and Bill
gets on the other to go to hell. The two pass each other on the way
and Bill asks, "How bad was it down there?" The Pope says, "Not that
bad, kind of hot and noisy, but I am glad to be going up to heaven
now. There's one thing up there I have been looking forward to." Bill
asks, "What is that?" The Pope replies, "I want to meet the Virgin
Mary." Bill, shakes his head sheepishly and whispers to the Pope, "Too
late."

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and the Secretary of Defense all wanted to go
to Oz, to visit the Wizard of Oz. Bill looked at Al and asked him why
he wanted to go. Al said that he needed a brain, and Bill agreed with
him.

Then, Bill asked the Secretary of Defense why he wanted to go, and he
said that he needed a heart. Bill also agreed with him. Then both
looked at Bill and asked him why he was going. He answered, "I'm
looking for Dorothy!"

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
A: One tries to hump the leg of every woman and the other is a
chocolate lab!

A little boy wanted to be Bill Clinton for Halloween, but he
couldn't get door-to-door with his pants around his ankles.

What did President Clinton say when he was asked to compare the
Paula Jones scandal with the Monica Lewinski scandal?

''Close but no cigar.''

What did President Clinton name his new computer business?

LAP TOPings

Similarities between the Titanic video and the Clinton grand jury
testimony video:

Titanic: $9.99 on the Internet
Clinton: $9.99 on the Internet

Titanic: over 3 hours long
Clinton: over 3 hours long

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a
subsequent catastrophe
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a
subsequent catastrophe

Titanic: villain - White Star Line
Clinton: villain - Ken Starr

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist
Clinton: Bill is a B.S. artist

Titanic: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar
Clinton: Ditto for Bill

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
Clinton: Ditto for Monica

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit
Clinton: Let's not go there

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
Clinton: Monica forced to return her gifts

Titanic: Behind the scenes, Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular
Clinton: Behind the scenes, Bill has a 70% approval rating

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary

Q: Do you know why Bill Clinton doesn't use bookmarks?
A: Because he likes to bend pages!

Why does Bill Clinton wear boxers?

To keep his ankles warm!

Re: DNA Test Results: Clinton, William Jefferson

Dear Mr. Starr:

The test on the dress came back inconclusive. Everyone in Arkansas has
the same DNA.

Apologies,

The FBI

An atomic bomb went off in Washington and everyone died. Bill
Clinton arrived in hell and waited patiently to meet with the devil.
When his turn came up, Satan said, ''Bill, you're stuck here for
eternity, but since you were the president, we're going to give you
some options as to how you would like to spend your time here.''

With that, the devil led Bill Clinton to a series of large black
doors. Behind the first door, Ronald Reagan was pushing a large
boulder up a hill, only to have it fall down the other side. He would
then turn and push it up that side, only to have it fall again and
again. Clinton looked at Satan and said, ''I don't like the looks of
that very much, let's move on.''

Behind the second door, Hitler was staked in the hot desert sand with
the 200 degree sun burning down on his body. Clinton looked at satan
and said, ''Let's move on.''

The devil then took Clinton to another room where Kenneth Starr was
standing. Monica Lewinsky was on her knees performing oral sex on him.
Clinton looked at the devil and said, ''I think I can handle this for
an eternity.'' Satan smiled and said, ''Monica, your replacement's
here.''

Q: What is Bill Clinton's favorite card game?
A: Poker.

What's Bill Clinton's favorite game?

Swallow the leader.

This should be sung to the tune "A Few of My Favorite Things" from
the movie"The Sound of Music"

Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and French fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes Willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things

Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things

When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad

Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things

Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things

Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things

What were Bill Clinton's Final Four picks?

Morehead State, Ball State University, Brigham Young University, and
Oral Roberts University.

Members of Congress...people of America....I banged her. I banged
her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think
Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you
haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried
to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because
they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former
Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which isn't to say I don't
appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through
her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas,
and she'd be married to the President.

So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI
files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean
wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to
Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed
every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.

Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I
was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned
out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an
aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called
"Kennebunkport."

Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same
Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought
you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium
drip had just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really
understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and almost got a
one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing.

Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution
to American society was Agent Orange.

And Johnny Kennedy, who was more than a little naughty himself, didn't
hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic
for beaver-wrestling shared by at least a dozen former residents of
the White House.

Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the
banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The
budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute
to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently.
Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a
night-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a
full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college
who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual
maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is
coming from.

Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my
pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with
your daughter...unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and
then I'd like to discuss it. I may be a pervert, but I'm also a
realist. I know that if the economy was going down the crapper, I'd-a
been out on my fat ass after the '96 election. But I'm a lucky
pervert-the economy is hotter than Paula Jones in a leather teddy. So
think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living
before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential
limousine.

Q: How do you know Bill Clinton is done having sex?
A: You have to wipe the Whitewater off your dress...

President Clinton opened doors for future presidents. Now not only
will there be a First Lady and First Children, but also First Ho.

Q: What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?
A: Don't hit your head on the desk!

When did Bill Clinton go to Victoria's Secret?

When the panties were half off!

Q: Why did Bill Clinton give up the saxophone?
A: Because he had a hor-monica.

What will Bill Clinton always be remembered for as history goes on?

He's after Bush.

Q: What did Clinton say when asked if he had used protection?

A: "Sure, there was a guard standing right outside the door."

What's Bill Clinton's definition of safe sex?

When Hillary's out of town!

Bill Clinton was recently seen smoking a pipe. When asked why he
wasn't smoking a cigar he said, ''Cigars are for pussies."

Bill Clinton calls his intern. ''Come into the Oval Office. I want
to show this new watch that I got today.'' She goes inside and closes
the door.
''Where is this watch you're talking about?'' He pulls down his pants.
''Right here!!''
''That's not a watch!'' she says with astonishment.
''It will be once you put two hands and a face on it!''

Chelsea had the most exciting news. She burst into the room
shouting, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news! Nick asked me to marry
him. He is like the biggest hunk in Washington. We are supposed to get
married next month.

Bill took Chelsea in the back and said, "Chelsea, you're mother,
although an ideal administrator and public speaker, has never had much
to offer in the sack, so, as you might have heard, I have been known
to fool around with other ladies on occassion. Your boyfriend Nick
happens to be the product of one of my love making sessions. He is my
son and thusly, he is your half-brother."

Chelsea ran out of the office screaming, "Not another brother!"

She rushed to her mother's side, telling her about her all about dad's
shameful behavior and how every man she dated turns out to be one of
her father's illegitimate sons.

Hillary began to laugh and said, "Don't pay any attention to him. He
isn't really your father anyway."

Was Gary Condit's sexual conduct the same as Bill Clinton's?

Close, but no cigar.

Senator Hillary Clinton snuck off to visit a fortuneteller of some
local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball,
the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare
yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible
death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the
single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep
breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the
fortuneteller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"

Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the
OB-GYN told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary
couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to
her limo and picked up the phone to call the Oval Office.
"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There is a
silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice.
"Who is this?''

Q: What will history remember Bill Clinton as?
A: The President after Bush!

Listen my children, and you shall hear
Of the midday trysts of Bill and dear.
'Twas late in November of '95
Hardly a man is now alive

Who talks of anything else over beer.
An intern there was, full of vixenish verve
Who, seeing the President, summoned her nerve
And flashed him a sign, through the noise and the throng.
She was wearing a smile. She was wearing a thong.

"One if by hand, two if by knee
And there by your side in a wink shall I be
Ready to serve my commander-in-chief,
And just like your underwear choice, I'll be brief!"

Yikes, my dear children, here's what happened next
(Just press starr.com, please, to get the full text):
The chief let his guard down. His zipper went with it
And then, I'm afraid, it gets much more explicit.

They groped in the office like some cheap cliché
They hugged in a crowd while she wore her beret.
They did it while he spoke with Reps on the phone
(Who wondered why welfare reform made him groan).

Expressing the lust that he felt for this lass
He gave her (but did not inhale) "Leaves of Grass."
And could it be thus David fell for his Sheba?
She gave him (but did not inhale) a Cohiba.

After a while, though, the Prez got some sense
He and his aides bid the hussy go hence.
They hoped that this signaled the end of this mess
But they hadn't counted on Starr. Or that dress.

Or those tapes! How Starr cherished the Tripp dirt on Bubba.
He'd hook his white whale and reduce him to blubba!
The Prez made it easy by swearing that he
Had never felt more than her pain, basically.

Eight months later came boxes a-brimming
With details that most of us squirmed some while skimming
And fin'ly the President faced us, contrite:
"I've sinned, I was wrong, yadda, yadda -- all right?"

The pols said, "Let's hang him!" The polls said let's not.
His wife stood beside him, which took quite a lot
And that's where we leave him, a schnook among schnooks
He's no Paul Revere, but he's one for the books.

[1]Back

President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an
administrative foul-up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was
sent to hell. The Pope explained the situation to the devil who
acknowledged the error. The Pope was told, however, that it would take
about 24 hours to fix the problem. The next day, the Pope was sent off
to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down. They
stopped to chat.

"Sorry about the mix-up" said the Pope. "Though I''m really excited
about going to heaven."

"Why''s that?"

"I''ve always wanted to meet the Virgin Mary."

"You''re about a day late."

What's the difference between Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton?

Ronald Reagan was an actor before he was President.

What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver?
A screwdriver turns in screws, and Clinton screws interns!

Q: Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores on
President's day?
A: All pants half off!

My new computer's the Bill Clinton Model. It's gotta 2 inch hard
drive, no memory and it keeps going down.

Bill Clinton is out jogging around in some of the seedier areas of
Washington D.C. He notices a good looking prostitute. She sees him and
calls out, "Fifty dollars!"
He's tempted, but the price is a little high so he calls back, "Five!"
She's disgusted and turns away while Bill continues his jog. A few
days later, he finds himself jogging in the same area and as luck
would have it, the prostitute is still there. But she won't come down
on her price. "Fifty!" she shouts.
Bill answers her, "Five!" No sale.
About a week later, Hillary has decided that she wants to get into
shape so she demands to go jogging with Bill. They get to the seedy
part of town and the same prostitute is still there. She eyes Bill and
Hillary together and yells, "See what you get for five dollars!"

Q: What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon,
and Bill Clinton?
A: Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and
Clinton doesn't know the difference!