Santa Sued For Checking List Twice...
AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 23) - Attorneys for filed suit in federal court today,
seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it
twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved
Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice
of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before
packing his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a
federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive
and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as
submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary
modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's
totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check?
This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now,"
said former Secretary of State James Baker.
Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing
all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, and filing them under 'naughty'
instead because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats."
Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted
what he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole." "Their
security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just walked
right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or nothing."
Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea to
St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and
quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They
demand closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already
selected a name for the pony she's asked for.
The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with
plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dog sled.
The "Million Man Mush" is scheduled to leave Friday. "We need red suits and
sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.
Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but a Spokes-elf said he was
"deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him. "He's
losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho' for days," said the spokes-elf.
"He's just not feeling jolly."
W H Y C O P S H A T E Y O U <<<<&l <
-if you have to ask get out of the way-
Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was
writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling that
he would just love to yank you out of the car, right through the
window, and smash your face into the front fender?...
By Lore Shoberg, velcro@ucscb.ucsc.EDU
SANTA CLAUS IS WEILDING A GUN
(to the tune of "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town")
Oh you better watch out
You better not pry
You better stay back
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is wielding a gun
He's making a list
And checking it twice
Gonna find out who
He's gonna ice
Santa Claus is wielding a gun
Don't give him any trouble
He'll blow you right away
Don't give him any cause to shoot
Or you'll make his Christmas Day
Oh, you better believe
He's packing a rod
No coal in your stocking
Just lead in your bod
Santa Claus is wielding a gun
He doesn't want cookies
Or none of that crud
He doesn't want milk
What he wants is your blood
Santa Claus is wielding a gun
(Music Bridge, with automatic arms fire)
He doesn't trust nobody
Shot all his reindeer dead
Thought Dancer was a sissy
And thought Rudoulph was a red
Oh, you better watch out
You better not pry
You better stay back
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is wielding a gun
(c) 1987 Lore Shoberg, velcro@ucscb....
