On the front page of today's Wall Street Journal:
By 62% to 17%, Americans still trust President Reagan over Mr. Gorbachev
to reduce tensions between the countries.
Los Angeles Times, November 24:
Banning, Blythe and Barstow no longer qualify as "distressed" cities under
federal guidelines, nor do Adelanto, Lake Elsinore, or Loma Linda.
But Beverly Hills does.
According to a new U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development list,
Beverly Hills can apply for about $56 million a year in business development
grants reserved for small cities suffering "physical and economic distress."
Heard on a radio station.
What did the female mushroom say about the male mushroom?
"He's a real fun guy [fungi]."
torque: when you wake up in the morning with a hard-on so severe,
as you push it down to take a piss your feet lift off the floor
Communism: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and
gives you part of the milk.
Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes one of them and
gives it to your neighbor.
Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and
sells you the milk.
Nazism: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and
then shoots you.
Bureaucracy: You have two cows. The government takes both of them,
shoots one, milks the other, and then pours the milk
down the drain.
Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one of them and buy a bull.
Anarchy: You have two cows. They decide you have no right to
do anything with their milk and leave to form their
own society.
Industrialism: You have two cows. You dissect them both,
and figure out how to build a milk-factory instead.
Centralism: You have two cows. And a problem finding them
in the middle of field with 100,000,000 others.
Environmentalism: You have two cows. You recycle the milk
and give it back to the cows.
Democracy: You have two cows. The vote is held, and they
win.
Officials at the Houston Zoo admitted that their coral snake was a rubber
imitation. "We had live snakes in the exhibit, but they didn't do so well,"
said curator John Donaho. "They tend to die."
Robert Kropinski of Philadelphia sued Transcendental Meditation groups where
he spent 11 years as a student & teacher, claiming he suffered psychological
disorders as a result of never having achieved the "perfect state of life" the
group promised. The 36-yr-old real-estate manager said, for example, that the
groups had told him he would be taught to "fly" through self-levitation, but
all he learned to do was "hop with the legs folded in the lotus position."
A construction company in Saipan, Northern Marianas, placed a notice in the
local newspaper after 1 of its flashing amber warning lights was stolen from a
road construction site on March 28, 1984. Noting that the lights were necessary
to warn motorists of the excavation so they could avoid an accident, the company
said it was removing "the remaining warning lights and we are not going to
install them again unless we are sure they will not be stolen."
And from "Wrong Arm of the Law":
In Atlanta, a daring thief stole $8900 worth of cameras & accessories from an
exhibit booth at a convention for crime-detection experts. His getaway was
delayed by having to pretend to be a salesman and give a 45-minute sales pitch
to a security guard who had seen him walking off with the goods.
Police in Tulsa, responding to an emergency call that a man was holding a woman
at knifepoint, surrounded the wrong house. The man was in the house next door.
He tried several times to surrender, but the police, thinking he was just a nosy
neighbor, kept ordering him back inside. After about an hour, a newspaper
photographer who lived nearby alerted police to their mistake.
In Florida, Dade County & Jacksonville officials discovered that their new $34
million jail was being built with 195 cells-- but no cell doors. Michael Berg,
city-county director of jails & prisons, said he wasn't sure how the oversight
occurred but that there was money to pay the extra $1.5 million to have the
doors added. And at the Ontario County Jail in Canandaigua, NY, installation of
new cell doors was halted when officials discovered the bars were too far apart
& prisoners could slip through them.
Undercover police in Pompano Beach, FL, arranged to sell 2 lbs. of cocaine. The
buyers turned out to be undercover officers from the Ft. Lauderdale police.
Police in Van Nuys, CA arrested Dennis John Alston on charges of forging checks,
then released him when he posted bail with a $1500 cashier's check. It turned
out to be a forgery.
Police in Sydney Mines, Nova Scotia, raided their own Christmas party for not
having a license to serve liquor.
Tommy Cribbs, the sheriff of Dyer County, TN, was arrested in Van Buren, MO,
after police noticed his car in the parking lot of a local motel. A car of that
description had been used in the theft of 2 sheep from a nearby farm. Officers
who were questioning people at the motel were led to Cribbs after a sheep was
thrown from the window of his room.
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 9th grade class a lesson
about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a
glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a
worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy
as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and
quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor
asked.
Scott, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely,
responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
W H Y C O P S H A T E Y O U <<<<&l <
-if you have to ask get out of the way-
Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was
writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling that
he would just love to yank you out of the car, right through the
window, and smash your face into the front fender?...
