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• IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it.
  There's got to be a better way. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait.
  Not me, you. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class.
  It's just too rich a subject. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get booed right off the stage.
  They're just not ready. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves.
  And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would know sensuality if it bit her on the ass.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?
  When no one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should make you feel that way....