Related:

• If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
• What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?
  And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lie down and go to sleep....
• When life gives you a lemon, say 'Lemons? I like lemons. What else have you got?'
• I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it.
  First, you sit the patient down and have a long personal talk....
• If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• When people say that the desert is lifeless, it just makes me want to grab them by the collar and yell, "Why you stupid, stupid bastard!
  Then I drive them out into the desert to where the circus is, and point out the many forms of zebra and clown life....
• When life hands you lemons make Strawberry Daiquiris.
• If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's really embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...