Related:

• If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it because I can't swim.
  -- Bob Stanfield...
• If you were a mushroom, why would people always be inviting you to parties?
  Because you'd be a real fun gi....
• We are restless because of incessant change, but we would be frightened if change were stopped.
  -- Lyman Lloyd Bryso...
• If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves.
• And to think that only this morning I mistook you for an idiot only because your views were different to mine.
  One could have a real talk with you, though perhaps it would be wiser not to....
• We were not idle when we were with you, nor did we eat anyone's food without paying for it.
  On the contrary, we worked night and day, laboring and toiling so that we would not be a burden to any of you....
• At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays.
  But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?...
• I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egyp
  on thing you would constantly find yourself telling people would be, "Be sure, before I start, you have all the jewelry and so forth on the body, because I am NOT unwrapping him later....
• You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said.
  Anything that seems of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note....