Related:

• I have invented rubber food for old people with time to kill. -- Pat McCormick
• I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident.
  I hit a bookmark. -- Steven Wrigh...
• I just got out of the hospital after a speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark. -- S. Wrigh
• I've fallen down and not even known it. -- Pat McCormick
• I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent of a prostate operation.
  -- Malcolm Muggeridge...
• You got the ball. You had it right there. Then ... you hit it away!
  And then ... you go and walk after it again! It's a dumb game! -- Bill Cosby...
• Never eat in a restaurant where you see a cockroach bench-pressing a burrito. -- Pat McCormick
• There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed. -- Peter Selle
• which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby Carrot.
  One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic....