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• I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick.
  Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold....
• Jacques: First, you must get to know your lane. Feel the slickness, feel the slippery finish.
  Caresses it, experience it. Quite smooth, isn't it?...
• There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey
  because every week you could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get caught by no MONKEY," but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that....
• I have a speech impediment....my foot!!!
• I hope that after I die, people will say of me: ``That guy sure owed me a lot of money.
  '' -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron.
  That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, "Hey look....
• It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit.
  Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight....