Related:

• I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff
  hen when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?...
• I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings.
  So instead, I call it a "speech improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech improvement....
• It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, the the guy at the Marineland says, "You can't throw chicken to the dolphins.
  They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them....
• If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a loop.
  She said, "I love carrots." "Good," I said as I gritted my teeth real hard....
• If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach: A sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone left, but trust me, they don't taste like it.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• When people say that the desert is lifeless, it just makes me want to grab them by the collar and yell, "Why you stupid, stupid bastard!
  Then I drive them out into the desert to where the circus is, and point out the many forms of zebra and clown life....