Related:

• Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa!
  Whoa!" and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics.
  Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody ready to start now?...
• I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before.
  But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter....
• Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe.
  But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it....
• I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his.
  Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles!...
• I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy.
  I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me....