Related:

• Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time people are going to get out of the way.
  Cars, too! -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex.
  He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you....
• Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS?
  It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do.
  Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised....
• I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it.
  First, you sit the patient down and have a long personal talk....