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• Last night I watched the news from Washington (the Capitol).
  The Russians had escaped while we weren't watching them (like Russians will)....
• I was sitting with a little girl of eight one afternoon.
  She looked up from her Hans Andersen and said, "Does m-i-r-a-g-e spell marriage, Mr....
• T-A+G-L-I+N-E--+M-E-A+S-U-R+I-N-G+--G-A+U-G-E
• I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building.
  ..I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet....
• Girls now say what they think. I was with one the other night.
  Two in the morning she told me to go to a sex clinic....
• Pascal n. An Algol-descended language designed by Niklaus Wirth on the CDC 6600 around 1967-68 as an instructional tool for elementary programming.
  This language, designed primarily to keep students from shooting themselves in the foot and thus extremely restrictive from a general-purpose-programming point of view, was later promoted as a general-purpose tool and, in fact, became the ancestor of a large family of languages including Modula-2 and Ada (see also bondage-and-discipline l summed up by a devastating (and, in its deadpan way, screamingly funny) 1981 paper by Brian Kernighan (of K&...
• aga n. [WPI] A cuspy but bogus raving story about N random broken people.
  Here is a classic example of the saga form, as told by Guy L....
• I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold outside.
  The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees today,' and I said 'Oops....
• Homer: Marge, could we go in the other room? I did something last night I'm not proud of, and I don't want the kids to hear it.
  Bart: Busted! Homer: [in the other room, explaining] I'll work from midnight to eight, come home, sleep for five minutes, eat breakfast, sleep six more minutes, shower, then I have ten minutes to bask in Lisa's love, then I'm off to the power plant, fresh as a daisy....