Related:

• I phoned my dad to tell him I had stopped smoking. He called me a quitter. -- Steven Pearl
• I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards.
  I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank....
• Joey: All right. [gets up] Monica: [stopping him] No!
  Joey, we swore we'd never tell! Chandler: [running over and joining Monica] They'll never understand!...
• I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?
  I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it....
• My father had the spirit and integrity of a scientist, but he was a salesman.
  I remember asking him the question "How can a man of integrity be a salesman?...
• I tried APL, but it was all Greek to me!
• I was stopped once for going 53 in a 35-mile zone, but I told 'em I had dyslexia.
  -- Spanky (Steve McFarlin)...
• When I was 6 and my dad brought home one of the world's first pocket calculators, an HP-35, he tried to convince me that it had a computer inside it.
  I thought that was unlikely. All the computers on Star Trek were the size of a room and had big reel-to-reel tape recorders....
• Marge: Ruth, is there something you want to tell me?
  Ruth: Remember when I said my ex-husband was behind on his child support?...