Related:

• I was in bed one night when my boyfriend Ernie said, "How come you never tell me when you're having an orgasm?
  I said to him, "Ernie, you're never around." -- Bette Midle...
• When you call home and get a busy signal, at least you are aware of where one of your children is at the time.
• That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
  "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley....
• Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else. -- Meade's maxim
• A beer doesn't complain when you come home late.
• You know you should be swimming when . . . At home, you close all the drapes, take off your clothes and don a pair of swim fins.
• Alex came home from a business trip to Chicago and found no one home but his daughter Rose, who was crying bitterly.
  "What's the matter, darling?" asked Alex. "Mommy almost died last night," sobbed Rose....
• You are at home when you can scratch were it actually itches and not be anxious that someone will see what you are doing.
• You know you should be swimming when . . . The lifeguard is getting tired of always having to tell you to come up for air.