Related:

• He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection.
  I guess that's what I hated about him. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best.
  We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us....
• I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver.
  And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him....
• If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist.
  When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody....
• I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings.
  So instead, I call it a "speech improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech improvement....
• The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys.
  But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it....
• As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS?
  It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...