Related:

• The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys.
  But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it....
• I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick.
  Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold....
• The old pool shooter has won many a game in his life.
  But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did all the other cues came crashing to the floor....
• Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire so that his arms and legs form "spokes.
  Happiness is when he stops. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?
  And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lie down and go to sleep....
• Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it.
  So, he decided to get back in his car and keep driving. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Rubbing hair restorer into your scalp is a good way to insure hairy fingers.
• He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection.
  I guess that's what I hated about him. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?
  ! -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...