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• When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal woman.
  Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man. -- Robert Schuma...
• I was the best I ever had. -- Woody Alle
• Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls ... In our house, we have Alka-Seltzer on tap.
  If you cook like I do, the best thing I can tell you is not to be sensitive....
• Once upon a time, I had a good girl. Once upon a girl, I had a good time...
• Burns: Oh, thank you, shopee. I ventured in to search for milk when the door snapped shut behind me!
  Man: Yeah, those dairy cases are death traps. -- "The Old Man and the Lisa...
• When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around.
  But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years....
• When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father.
  By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement....
• Farewell! a long farewell, to all my greatness! This is the state of ma
  o-day he puts forth The tender leaves of hopes; to-morrow blossoms, And bears his blushing honours thick upon him...
• The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him and called him a fruit.
  Man, I hate land like that. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...