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• I was in bed one night when my boyfriend Ernie said, "How come you never tell me when you're having an orgasm?
  I said to him, "Ernie, you're never around." -- Bette Midle...
• What Congress means by ethics is best explained by the tailor's story
  "Suppose I sell a suit to a young man for $200. He tells me that his family is footing the bill and that if I give him a receipt for $...
• Match's Maxim A fool in a high station is like a man on the top of a high mountai
  everything appears small to him and he appears small to everybody....
• Diplomacy: Lying in state. -- Oliver Herford
• Marge: Ruth, is there something you want to tell me?
  Ruth: Remember when I said my ex-husband was behind on his child support?...
• A kiss is an operation, cunningly devised, for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when words are utterly superfluous.
  -- Oliver Herford...
• When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins.
  Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic....
• People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff.
  I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy -- and I keep it in a jar on my desk....
• If you see the man who invented the wheel, send him up
  I want to give him a piece of my mind. Meddler!" -- Stranger in a Strange Land, Robert A....