Related:

• You are confused; but this is your normal state.
• Second Law of Office Murphology: Office machines that function perfectly during normal business hours will break down when you return at night to use them for personal business.
• If you want to know who your friends are, get yourself a jail sentence.
• It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up.
• She won't get sick if you wrap your dick.
• Burns: Oh, Simpson, can't you go five seconds without humiliating yourself?
  [Abe's pants go down with a "boing"] Abe...
• Normal jeans] These are your pants. [Bell bottoms] These are your pants on drugs.
  Now don't do them. -- Denis Leary...
• My kid said, "I want a dog." Well, I went to the kennel.
  The first dog I saw had legs four inches long in front, two feet long in back....