Related:

• Vancouver Coast Guard, may I help you. (Caller thinks they dialed long distance.
  ) -- Answering machine madness - authority figure...
• Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want? -- Answering machine madness - authority figure
• The party you dialed is not available. Your call is being diverted to an alternate number.
  Please stand by... (Ring...) The number you dialed must be dialed by your 0 operator....
• You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility.
  We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can....
• In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. (Heeeeee-YAH!
  Sound of smashing box of kleenex.) But this method doesn't work with a telephone call....
• In Joe Friday voice:) This is Constable Augie of the Canadian Security and Intelligence Service.
  The phone line you have just dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by the Attorney General of Canada....
• This is Dr. Ruth, Sexually Speaking, you're on the air.
  .. -- Answering machine madness - authority figure...
• Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can.
  Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO....
• Imitating Mr. Rogers:) Hello. I'm in the Neighborhood of Make Believe right now, so I can't come to the phone.
  Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone?...