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• Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
  But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. -- Steve Bluestei...
• I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.
  No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out....
• I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside.
  I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said....
• The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money.
  True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day....
• I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings.
  So instead, I call it a "speech improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech improvement....
• I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it.
  First, you sit the patient down and have a long personal talk....
• It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the preside
  because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something....
• We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing.
  But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town....
• If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I think a good name for him would be Carl.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...