Related:

• I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect.
  I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect....
• I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for paneling.
  -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it.
  There's got to be a better way. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
• MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me.
  I remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and drive and drive....
• I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
  -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day.
  Then that night, they burned the wheel. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying.
  And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did....
• WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years.
  Struggle to become a parrot or something. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....